It touched my heart
Knowing the price You paid
The cost of sin
That I can never pay

The mountain you climbed
Carrying my heavy shame
It was at Calvary
That freedom was regained

It was by the redemption plan
That I can have life again
Being a man called Christian
Is somehow a heavenly gain

From a lost soul
I've became a sheep
Having a king that conquered death
I shall never be in need

Unto You my Lord
My life be offered
In You my Saviour
Eternal peace I rest

- Humphrey Tan (2005)

When I say "I am a Christian"...
I'm not shouting "I'm clean living!"
I'm whispering, "Iwas lost; now I'm found and forgiven."

When I say "I am a Christian"...
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble,
and need CHRIST to be my guide.

When I say "I am a Christian"...
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak,
and need HIS strength to carry on.

When I say "I am a Christian"...
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed,
and need God to clean my mess.

When I say "I am a Christian"...
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
my flaws are far too visible;
but God believes I am worth it.

When I say "I am a Christian"...
I still feel the sting of pain,
I have my share of heartaches,
and so I call upon His name.

When I say "I am a Christian"...
I'm not holier than thou.
I'm just a simple sinner,
who received God's good Grace, somehow.

- unknown

I am feeling lost recently, having the thought that God has given up on me. I made a promise that I am going to put Him before everything of my life. I've broken the promise - broken His heart. My previous encounter with the bible was many months ago. The previous time that I went to church was about two months ago. And now, do I still have the rights to call myself a Christian? I am feeling so ashame. Seeing those around me constantly growing in the Lord, while I am constantly drifting away from the Lord. Something unknown has mysteriously taken control over me, over my whole self. Although the Holy Spirit in me do prompt me at times, but the evilness in me has silenced each and every calling from the Spirit within me. Many things that I've done and still doing are against Him. Little or none that I do really does glorify Him. I find myself beyond redemption and although the Blood that shed at Calvary has cleased me, but I've stopped the blood from entering my life. My spiritual life has been drained and I am feeling no different from those pagans out there, or in fact, worse than them. I know that there is a God, but I chose to be ignorant.

The faith that once burn hotly in me is now dying. The flame for Christ has now turned into a dying spark. Just a little more water (the work of devil), everything would be gone and Christ would be ripped from my memory. Although I still talk about Christ and shared about Christ, but I find that those were just some acts. I do not know why as I find myself losing control of myself at times. I sinned against Him with an excuse that He will always forgive me. Repentance only comes to my mind before I commit any sin. I told myself that I would repent after I commit that sin, but I didn't.

I need reassurance. I need the burning faith to be back once again. I need the presence of God right now. I need prayers. I need HIM, HIS forgiveness. But, will He forgive me?

___________________________________________

FOLLOW HIM

I've decided to follow Jesus
There is no turning back,
no turning back

The world has gone behind me
The cross is now before me
I've left the world
I am no longer enslaved in earthly activities
I am His

The Spirit of Christ has dwelled in me
The spirit of sinful nature had passed
Now it's all about He and me
No longer about I, Me and Myself

Temptations are no longer threats to me
I have Christ Jesus in my heart
Unlike the world that will pass away
My faith in Him lives forever

May my life be a living testimony
To show the world how great He can be
He is the Alpha and Omega
And I will share eternity with Him

Because I've decided to follow Jesus
Along the journey through Eternity...

- Humphrey Tan (2004)

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Very High
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Very High
Narcissistic:	Very High
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Same Side of the Moon
Corrinne May

I'm looking out the window
Where we sat to watch the stars
There's a chill within the air
It makes my heart long for your touch
You may be miles away
But as I kneel to pray

I see the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all the tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon

I picture you across the ocean
In your corner of the world
I pray the wind will blow my voice
And gently whisper in your ear
Your night may be my day
And though the seasons change

It's still the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all the tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon

Through many incidents and events, I've discovered that unless you set your own goals for yourself, the life you live would really be meaningless and without a purpose. Life would get boring someday and one would be lazing around, doing meaningless things. Therefore, I would like to set my commitments and goals for the year of 2005.

My Commitments for the Year 2005

1. Complete at least 10 hours of voluntary work monthly

2. Complete at least one Christian book a month

3. Compile a book with daily devotional thoughts

4. Encourage fellow siblings-in-Christ, friends and family in all things

5. Have Quiet Time with God at a regular basis

6. Glorify God in all things

My Goals for the Year 2005

1. Put God first in all things

2. Share the Gospel to at least one soul every month

3. Be optimistic over all things

4. Be a faithful, humble, responsible & selfless person

LOVER OF MY HEART

All I want is to see your face
All I need is a moment of grace
It's in you that I have the faith
To stand up and be strong

Cause I know I'm no longer bound
It's in you that I have found
Peace of mind
Freedom from my sin
and the power to love and forgive

I want to walk with you everyday of my life
to talk with you in the good and the strife,
you're my friend, you're my father,
for all time
Nothing can keep us apart
You're the lover of my heart

Today is the 15th January 2005. This day is also a significant point of my entire life and this day will always be kept and preserved like a treasured possession in my life. Mercy Relief organised a street collection exercise on this day. I registered under the New Creation Church with brendan and eugene. We started the collection at 11.40am and the first place we went was Orchard Road. However, we decided to leave that place fifteen minutes later due to the large number of fellow collectors present. We headed for Toa Payoh Central after that. The place was much crowded than usual. It was merely because the radio station (FM 100.3) was holding an event there and people were queuing for the free goodie bags which contain only two oranges. A thought came to my mind. That senario led me to the tsunami victims. The people here were queuing for something that they would probably not need but want. However, as for the victims of the tidal waves, they were all waiting and queuing for something that they need. However, many were probably disappointed in the end. An orange to us might be nothing as many of us would probably leave it to rot. However, an orange to them might be considered as hope. It's food to them. An orange would brighten their lives.

I can't deny that Singaporeans are compassionate and generous (they donated actively). However, when you look deeper, you'll get a total different impression. Yes, 60% of the people approached donated. However, do all those donations really came from their hearts? Or were they donating because of "face"? I know by saying these things I'd be accused to be judging. However, am I not stating the truth? Some donated in order to "shoo" other collectors off (with the sticker, no one else would approach them), some donated because their friends had donated (the last one who donated would probably give the most). However, there is always two sides to a coin. I must praise the other group. It could be seen clearly that they really mean it from their hearts. Although their offering might be small, but they donated with blessing. Great is their reward in heaven.

Brendan left at 1.30pm followed by eugene at 2.30pm. Without them around, I became the only one left. They did persuaded me to go back with them. However, I decided not to. It was not because I wanted to be unique among them, it's because I just wanted to give a little more, since I have the ability to. Despite there was a large frequency when people disregard my presence or having people staring at me. However, I knew that I couldn't give up. If everyone were to give up, what about those victims? Are we going to abandon them and leave them alone? I suddenly felt God's presence. He was constantly calming my heart and assuring me again and again. Since that moment, I did not feel alone or neglected at all. He was by my side, everywhere I went, and saying a "Good Job" with every stranger I approached. Without further ado, I took a bus to Marine Parade.

I met many people there. My ex-schoolmates, neighbours, teacher and even long-lost friends. They were encouragements for me. They kept my faith strong. I could remember that there was an old lady whose coins were all contained in a plastic bag (she looked poor). She offered her few coins to me. To me, the 10 dollars notes were nothing. But her few coins were everything. She gave all she had and I was really touched by her. It was 4.30pm then. And it was her who kept me energetic for the next hour. I approached as many people as I could, even the moment before I boarded the bus back to New Creation.

I spent a total of 5 hours (excluding lunch and tranport time) and managed fill half of the tin. Though the money collected was little, but o well, God only requires the best of me.

Just realised that I've neglected this blog for the past few days. However, this does not indicate that I have been busy recently. In fact, I was going to be bored to death. Hmmm, I went out almost everyday. Went to play pool with brendan and eugene at grandlink and parkway for a grand total of five days. O well, to some people it might be fun but to me, it's just doing something to end my suffering staying at home. Finding a job? I tried and I'll probably go for an interview later in the afternoon. Though I have doubts that the boss would recruit me. Hahaz.. Well, guess this week would be my last week of fun (if they were to recruit me) and this week is already kinda packed. Going back to GMSS for the annual secondary one orientation camp. Gotta have fun. Well, I'll also be participating in street collection on saturday. Do support me hor... hahaz... well.. hey... i gtg... blog later... byebye...

Let go and leave, turning back will only prolong your suffering.

I find the above statement really true. Life is a journey of choices and there are times when we have to let go of something we once held dear and forcing ourselves to forget them. Be it a person or any other thing. Choosing to let go is often our only choice in times. Forgetting is often the more complicated and undesired part of the process.

Of course, life still have to be carried on. However, we would then lead our lives with an emptiness within us. We would feel that someone or something is missing. Furthermore, some items around you might also trigger your memories. This is the time when you have the urge to look back to see how the person is doing. However, she is usually no longer the same as you thought she would be. She seemed to enjoy life and the people around her. She has a new way of life and you, who once passed her life, is no longer significant and no longer present in her memory.

You'll reflect. That why would you want to lead a life of agony and suffering while the other party does not bother at all. You know that nothing you do can bring the past to the present. Therefore, I guess that it's always better to leave immediately and not to turn back anymore. And I guess, someone down the road would be there to appreciate this piece of love that you are willing to give away.

__ME__ >>> my pleasure

I am back in Singapore again. However, I doubt anyone would bother. My purpose here today is not about telling you guys what fun I had (if any) or what have I done previously. Well, I assume that everyone of you who are reading this blog understand about the tsunami attack that affected few countries and countless of civilians. Currently, more than 125, 000 are confirmed dead and the toll is still rising every moment. Leaving 125, 000 dead, a larger number of civilians are forced to leave their homes due to the destruction of their homes. They have to start their lives anew. From nothing. Let us not forget those in the third world countries such as India, Myammar and Sri Lanka. They need you. Your care, your love and most of all, your offerings. There is a Chinese saying that goes, "you xian chu qian, you li chu li" (Share your wealth or lend a hand). I believe there is no boundaries between religions, races or nationality. Everyone is made in God's image and no one deserves less. I am here to raise an appeal. An appeal for all of you reading this blog of mine. Just think about the kids who lost their parents or those kins, waiting for news of their missing family members. As they continue to pray and hope for a miracle to be upon them, let us bring a ray of light to them by offering what we can. Your offering may seem little. But for them, it's just like a piece of tile that is essential for the building of their future pathway. Everyone can do something, what's yours?

I have checked out an official website that gives information on how you can give and offer your help. The URL is http://www.nvpc.org.sg/tsunami/index.htm . And YES!!! Other than just appealing, I am volunteering myself. Go for it! My fellow friends.

Shirlyn >>> well, I do hope that the decision that you've made is made out of wisdom from God. Since everything is done, I shall not comment on anything. Worry not about the future and always keep in mind that everything that you do, you will have to answer and account for them before God. I will always be there to support you. Happy new year too!